Tools to Improve Communication with People You Love
- Lillian Farzan-Kashani
- 3 days ago
- 8 min read
Why Communication Breaks Down (Even With People You Love)
It goes without saying (but I’m still saying!)--we humans are imperfect. I don’t know about you but I get hungry, sleepy, sick, and furthermore…cranky! In my personal life, I try to steer away from important, potentially loaded, or emotionally vulnerable conversations during these times (unless it’s to disclose that I'm cranky tbh). And I normalize this dynamic with my clients. So, if you haven’t realized it by now, our critical thinking is stunted when our resources are low.
So how do we approach this? One of my very favorite therapy nuggets that all of my clients are familiar with by now is: strike when the iron is cold. Let me elaborate. Essentially, I want to target sensitive subjects proactively, before things are already tense, and as to avoid adding more fuel to the fire.
For example:
Letting your family know that you won’t be home for the holidays this year.
100% you will want to do this before they get their hopes up and slave away in the kitchen.
Telling your mother in law about your dietary restrictions prior to her dropping by with sweet treats for the family.
She’s already gone out of her way to Burbank for Porto’s for God’s sake!
Having conversations about constructives in the bedroom on neutral ground–*before* you’re literally naked and at your most vulnerable.
This can prevent awkward tension and shutting down during spicy time. Implementing this tool proactively can also lead to a whole lot of experimental fun!
Now of course, life happens. We can’t always plan for conversations before the iron heats up. With that being said, being mindful of this tool can help prevent many avoidable arguments.
Regulate First, Respond Second: A Foundation for Better Communication
How calming your nervous system creates space for healthier conversations.
My partner and I don’t argue often. But we’ve been able to trace a curious pattern retrospectively. The results are in and– you better believe the culprit of our biggest hiccups were hunger or sleep deprivation (or both, the worst!)
In my best moments, when I’m able to anticipate conflict a mile away in part due to low resourcing, I call it out and take a pause. I recall saying–”I don’t know how I feel right now,” to buy some time when I felt I may not be able to trust my feelings in the moment. My goal isn’t to react reflexively, but to regulate myself first and respond in time with intention.
Story time: we were on our way out of Yosemite National Park and we had camped in a little canvas tent in Camp Curry. We love an adventure, but this time we were simply ill prepared for what nature had in-store for us. We woke up surrounded by snow, had barely slept, and needed breakfast, or in his case coffee. Suffice to say, we were super irritable. My partner woke up prioritizing the need to dig out the car from the snow so that we could find coffee. But me–I needed breakfast to fuel myself before digging out the snow. The result? We both stormed off our separate ways to pursue our differing priorities. On the way out of the park–I was fuming! We barely said a word to each other until we found a rest stop as well as some sustenance. After our meal (and coffee), I looked at him and asked if there was anything we needed to talk out. At that point it was comical because, after meeting our needs, we weren’t actually mad at each other. We just needed a chance to regulate before we could come to the table with our critical thinking and problem solving minds intact.
Speak From the “I,” Not the “You”: A Core Tool in Therapy for Communication
Reduce defensiveness and communicate your experience more clearly.
Alright–say you’re regulated and ready to engage in conversation. Please please please sabrina carpenter voice* be mindful of speaking for yourself, about yourself. The goal here is not to tell someone else about themselves. For example, calling someone an asshole will just make them defensive. Insults typically shut conversations down rather than give way to problem solving.
In comes the gold standard–the I statement. You’ve heard about it before but to be sure, here’s the formula:
“I feel (insert feelings word) when you (refer to specific act or situation at hand).”
Eg. “I feel worried when you don’t text to let me know you’re going to be late.”
Now, many clients initially come to me with something like, “Feelings? I don’t know how to do all that–we didn’t do feelings growing up in my family.” Not a problem my friend, it’s never too late to learn. So here’s required reading to get things right: https://www.gottman.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/04/The-Gottman-Institute_The-Feeling-Wheel.pdf
It may seem a bit elementary at first but I promise, you will glean so much more insight about yourself and others by simply exploring and practicing self expression this way. Sometimes I use the feelings wheel in sessions with clients after they say they’re “fine/ok/tired.” Come to find they are so much more than that, and actually, “ashamed, furious, thoughtful, and hopeful.” Together we realize they have feelings all over the map and can consciously make room for all of them. That’s of course, once they’re acknowledged. Sometimes clients don’t even realize how they feel until they’re prompted to take a look. This action can be internally validating as well as helpful in supporting insight and communication around their situation.
Name Your Feelings (Not Your Interpretations) for Healthier Relationships
Distinguish emotions from assumptions so conversations stay grounded.
Subtle, but important. As much as is possible, when delivering I statements, we want to stick with the specifics to which we are responding. Now I know it may be tempting when frustrated to say, “You always do this!” or “You never take me into consideration!” Heed my warning: refrain from using the words always/never in heated conversations. That may be your interpretation, particularly when feeling elevated, but the truth may lie somewhere in the middle. Using absolute language will likely lead to frustration, defensiveness, and again, shutting down conversation.
Listen to Understand, Not to Win: Us Against the Problem
Shift from reacting to genuinely hearing the other person.
Another helpful nugget here: gentle curiosity. I prompt my clients to be gently (rather than accusatory or aggressively) curious. Furthermore, the phrasing, “us against the problem, not us against each other,” can go a long way. Here we leave behind self-righteousness or the need to be “correct,” and join together as a team. If there is a pattern we are facing, how can we face it together rather than berate each other? In the example above regarding being late, this could go from isolating and accusatory:“This is a you thing–you need to work on your communication,” to teamwork oriented: “Oh, your phone keeps dying? Maybe we could plan on checking-in earlier in the night,” or even “I can have the portable charger ready for your long days if you like.”
Suddenly a conversation which may have felt blamey and isolating feels more unified and supported by shifting to a team framework.
Create Connection Rituals That Strengthen Communication
Simple practices that nurture closeness and keep communication open.
As you can tell when it comes to communication, I’m a fan of being proactive. Having weekly check-ins with your partner could build a structure that addresses what is and isn’t working –before tensions build.
A friend of mine (shoutout Adnan Jaber!) provided the following questions that have proven to be game changers time and time again:
What’s one thing I did that made you feel especially loved?
What’s one thing I did that made you feel bothered?
How is our household responsibility division?
How is our sex life? Would you like to try anything new?
How can I best support you next week?
Clients have adapted these to be appropriate for platonic relationships as well as even professional team building.
When to Seek Support: How Therapy for Communication Can Help
Guidance on when outside support can deepen relational skills.
Sometimes relationships, particularly with our families, have developed so many layers and long standing dynamics that they need a whole system reset. That’s where therapy can be a wonderful and much needed intervention.
Interested in learning more? Message me today to set up a free intro call!
Frequently Asked Questions About Therapy for Communication and Relationship Help
What is therapy for communication?
Therapy for communication is a form of therapy that helps people express their needs, feelings, and boundaries more clearly while learning how to listen and respond with intention. It focuses on emotional awareness, nervous system regulation, and practical tools that improve everyday conversations.
How can therapy for communication help my relationship?
Therapy for communication helps reduce misunderstandings, defensiveness, and recurring conflict. Many people seek relationship help when conversations feel tense, repetitive, or emotionally draining, even with people they love.
Why does communication break down in close relationships?
Communication break downs are natural. These dynamics are often exacerbated by stress, exhaustion, hunger, or emotional overwhelm interfere with our ability to think clearly. Therapy for communication helps identify these patterns and teaches when to pause, regulate, and return to conversations more thoughtfully.
When should I seek relationship help for communication issues?
You may benefit from relationship help if arguments escalate quickly, important topics feel impossible to discuss, or you feel consistently misunderstood. Therapy for communication can be helpful both during periods of conflict and as a preventative tool.
What tools are used in therapy for communication?
Therapy for communication often includes nervous system regulation, using “I statements,” identifying and naming emotions, practicing curiosity instead of blame, approaching conflict as “us against the problem” rather than against each other, and more.
Can therapy for communication help if only one person attends?
Yes. Individual therapy for communication can lead to meaningful shifts in relationships, even if the other person is not in therapy. Changing how you communicate often changes the overall dynamic.
How does emotional regulation improve communication?
When you are regulated, your brain is better able to problem-solve, empathize, and respond intentionally. Therapy for communication emphasizes regulation first so conversations don’t happen during moments of emotional flooding.
What’s the difference between expressing feelings and blaming?
Expressing feelings focuses on your internal experience, while blaming assigns fault to the other person. Therapy for communication teaches how to name emotions clearly without criticism, which is essential for healthy relationship help.
Can therapy for communication help family relationships?
Yes. Many people seek relationship help for family communication, especially when long-standing dynamics or roles feel difficult to shift. Therapy for communication can support clearer boundaries and healthier conversations with family members.
Is therapy for communication only for couples?
No. Therapy for communication supports individuals, families, friendships, and other relationships. Anyone looking for relationship help and healthier communication patterns can benefit.
How long does therapy for communication take to work?
It depends! Some people notice improvements after a few sessions once they begin applying communication tools in daily life. Long-term relationship help often comes from consistent practice and deeper insight over time.
How do I get started with therapy for communication?
Getting started with therapy for communication typically begins with an initial consultation to discuss your goals and communication challenges. From there, therapy is tailored to provide targeted relationship help and practical tools.
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